A Scriptural Consideration of Divorce Based on Abandonment

In the recent past I heard a pastor declare that there are instances in a marriage where divorce is Biblically the preferable option. It has bothered me immensely since I heard it and the more I contemplate it the more I have been convicted that such thought is not only a gross error but in being so it is a remarkably dangerous statement to make to the people of God. In an era where approximately half of all marriages end in divorce, and according to a study done by George Barna of the Barna Research Group, 27% of all Christian marriages end in divorce, it seems inconceivable that such a statement would be made. It would seem to me that making such statements will encourage the flesh to rationalize those circumstances where a divorce would be a justifiable preference. Yes, it is no secret that the Church has long recognized two legitimate causes for divorce; one is adultery and the other is abandonment. It is the latter that will be the focus of our consideration here today. As part of our consideration, and in relation to the same aforementioned declaration, we will see if emotional abandonment is cause for divorce or if something more is being spoken of when the Bible presents this to us.

It is not enough for me to presuppose such a statement is wrong; it, as with all things, requires study and seeking out an answer from the word of God which is to be our rule for faith and life. So let us proceed to see what God’s view of divorce is and whether it is ever presented in terms of being preferable in any given situation.

We will start with Mal. 2:14-16. Here we are told that specifically "[…] the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce…” Hate is a very strong word; yet, that is exactly what God states here. He doesn’t say that at times divorce pleases Him or based on situational morality He will be pleased with divorce. No, He just states openly that He hates divorce. Why is that? One author explains that for us and says,

“[…] within Evangelical circles… one answer comes from those who have undergone the process. They say God hates divorce because it is so hurtful and traumatic. While this is certainly true, the answer seems to suggest that Scripture, covenants, and children all take a back seat to the hurts of those adults involved. A second, and more relevant answer relates to the fact that those involved in a divorce are covenant breakers… The second reason that God hates divorce… [is because] He… teaches that the husband represents Christ and the wife represents the Church within the context of marriage. Therefore, when a husband and wife get a divorce, they are destroying the picture that God has given to the world as the relationship that He has with His Church. To put it bluntly, many evangelicals are covenant breakers. Dr. Louis Hill, “Seven Foolish Questions”, pp 79-89

Another theologian deals more specifically with the warning given to all men in this passage of take heed to your spirit or as it is understood to mean, beware of losing your spirit. He says,

This warning is accounted for in ver. 16, first of all in the statement that God hates putting away… A second reason for condemning the divorce is given in the words… “he (who puts away his wife) covers his garment with sin…” The meaning is… that wickedness will adhere irremoveably to such a man. The figurative expression may be explained from the idea that the dress reflects the inward part of a man, and therefore a soiled garment is a symbol of uncleanness of heart. CF Keil, Keil and Delitzsch Commentaries, vol. 10, “The Twelve Minor Prophets,” pp 451-454

So we see that God hates divorce as a definitive rule because it breaks a covenant we have made before Him which also defiles the picture that God has given the world of His church as represented by our marriages. He hates divorce so much that He here includes a warning that we must be careful lest we lose our lives which is the meaning of losing our spirit. When we have committed the act of divorce our sin is evident to all; our wickedness is expressed in terms of being so deeply a part of who we are that it adheres to our clothes that all may see it; we are unable to hide our shame. There are a number of indictments made against Israel in the book of Malachi; this is one of them, and it is explained as one of the reasons God will no longer hear them when they cry to Him for help. Divorce presented in this manner doesn’t appear to be a preferable option.

Next we will look at Mk. 10:6-10. Here it is presented in terms just as clear as the ones we just read in Malachi. Christ tells us, “[…] what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Once again He doesn’t present this in terms that in certain times or in certain situations God encourages that marriages dissolve or even prefers it. No, He just states in a very blunt declaration that the expectation from God is that once a man and woman have joined together in a marriage covenant they are not to break that covenant throughout the rest of their lives.

“That Jesus did so regard marriage, namely, as an indissoluble union, changing what used to be “two” into what has now become “one” – note: It follows that they are no longer two but one flesh –, a union until death parts the two, a definitely divine institution that must not be tampered with, is clear from the following: a) Otherwise His argument would lose its force… c) this is in line with the words immediately following, namely, What therefore God has joined together, let man not separate. […] from every angle, it was God who established marriage as a divine institution (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5, 6). Marriage is therefore indeed “an honorable estate.” Therefore, let not man separate what God has joined together! The indissolubility of marriage is stated by Jesus in a very forceful manner. The word “Therefore” or “For this reason” shows that He is summarizing the divine revelation concerning the marriage bond… According to Christ’s teaching, then, husband and wife form a team. They work, plan, play, pray, pull, etc. together. For a man to separate what God has yoked together means arrogantly to defy an act of God! William Hendriksen, “New Testament Commentary,” vol. 2, pp378-379

It is abundantly clear in this passage as it was in Malachi that God views marriage as a covenant that cannot be broken. There is not one single occurrence that I am aware of in the entire word of God that would present divorce in such favorable terms as to give preferable conditions for it in the eyes of God. It is always presented as being apart from the will of God and so repugnant to Him that he “hates” it and makes de facto declarations that we are not to divorce. I am firmly convinced that if no other passages existed to bolster the point, though they do, that these two alone would be sufficient to show that in the eyes of God divorce is never a preferable option. Hendriksen sums up the inadequacy of our view as compared to God’s well when he says,

In a world where one divorce follows another in rapid succession, so that it is difficult at times to count the number of times a person has been divorced, the teaching of Jesus deserves to be repeated and emphasized.

But if there be a charge that perhaps the passage in Mark leaves room for an ambiguous view of marriage then perhaps in Matt. 19:1-10 the ambiguity is cleared up. For here Matthew tells us that Jesus doesn’t just make it clear that divorce is wrong but He takes the challenge from the Pharisees, and their pitiful attempts to trip Him up and find loopholes, and slams the door shut on any possibility that divorce is acceptable in the eyes of God. They thought that they had cause for divorce through the Law of Moses, but as the following makes clear that was not the case,

Jesus prefaces His [answer] with the question, ‘Have you not read that He who created them…?’ There was not much flattery in the question… The force of the citation, however, goes beyond this not-so-subtle rebuke and forces the Pharisees to consider the issue in the total Biblical context. They had been isolating the Mosaic Law out of the broader framework of God’s original intent with the institution of marriage. In effect, Jesus is saying, ‘If there is ambiguity in the Law of Moses, let the implications you draw be governed by what God spoke clearly in creation…’ [The Pharisees then ask] if God never intended divorce, why did He authorize Moses to command divorce? Jesus’ answer is direct. ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.’ Notice the change in words. The Pharisees talk about Moses commanding divorce; Jesus talks about Moses permitting divorce. A command leaves no option – it must be carried out. Permission is less forceful, giving the party and option. Jesus interprets the Mosaic Law as permission for divorce granted because of the hardness of the heart. This reflects an act of condescension to accommodate the influence of sin upon the marriage estate. But He repeats His point that in creation there was no provision for divorce. RC Sproul, “The Intimate Marriage,” pp 95-96

See, from the very beginning it has never ever been preferable in the eyes of God that mankind be divorced. Divorce is the product of sin and based on that God has permitted divorce in very few situations. But permitted and preferred is not the same thing as we well know. Then, even in those situations, it is presented as an option rather than a command; it is not a divine imperative. Based on all the evidence we may gather in the word of God it seems clear that even in those situations the preference of God is that if possible we remain married. If we look at the book of Hosea we see an example played out in his marriage which represents what God has to endure based on our infidelity to Him; yet He remains faithful and never leaves us nor forsakes us in spite of our lack of fidelity, we too should be so faithful. Even so, due to the existence of sin and the often times insurmountable damage that has been done in those unique cases He permits us to dissolve the union. Clearly there can never be any reasonable declaration from any man on earth that would make divorce preferable in the eyes of God.

So that leads us to the famous and oft used passage of 1 Cor. 7:10-16. Here Paul addresses the issue of abandonment and it is here where we will be able to look more closely at the idea of whether or not emotional abandonment is cause for divorce. I think an appropriate starting point would be to look at the word “depart” which is used a number of times in this passage. I suppose that a cursory reading of the passage may indeed lead someone to rationalize that emotional abandonment is cause for divorce. But if we look into the actual meaning of the word it has specific application. The original Greek word used in almost every instance in this passage is the word chorizo which isn’t just the idea of not being what you are supposed to be within your marriage but is a physical departure. Applied correctly this means the person has gotten up and left the marriage altogether, they are no longer to be found within the home. This is important, for while it is reprehensible that one spouse or the other is not contributing as they should to the marriage it is not cause for divorce as this passage is clearly telling us. If we were to start encouraging men and women to divorce their spouse based on emotional abandonment I fear there would be very few marriages left indeed. I think any honest review of our own marriages will show us periods where we have been guilty, for whatever length of time, of such an act ourselves. Thankfully our spouse was faithful and the Lord showed us our error and our marriage still thrives as a result.

He now entreats of another condition of marriage – its being an indissoluble tie. Accordingly, he condemns all those divorces that were of daily occurrence among the heathens, and were not punished among the Jews by the Law of Moses… Husbands frequently divorced their wives, either because their manners were not congenial, or because their personal appearance did not please them, or because of some offense; and as wives, too, sometimes deserted their husbands on account of their cruelty, or excessively harsh and dishonorable treatment, he says that marriage is not dissolved by divorces or dissensions of that nature. For it is an agreement that is consecrated by the name of God, which does not stand or fall according to the inclination of men, so as to be made void whenever we may choose. The sum is this: other contracts, as they depend more on the inclination of men, are in like manner dissolved in that same inclination; but those who are connected by marriage are no longer free, so as to be at liberty, if they change their mind, to break in pieces the pledge…, and go each of them elsewhere in quest of a new connection. For if the rights of nature cannot be dissolved, much less can this, which, as we have said already, is preferred before the principal tie of nature (i.e. the natural tie we have with parents Gen. 2:24).

But as to his commanding the wife, who is separated from her husband, to remain unmarried, he does not mean by this that separation is allowable, nor does he give permission to the wife to live apart from her husband; but if she has been expelled from the house, or has been put away, she must not think that even in that case she is set free from his power; for it is not in the power of a husband to dissolve marriage. He does not therefore give permission here to wives to withdraw, of their own accord, from their husbands, or to live away from their husband’s establishment, as if they were in a state of widowhood; but declares, that even those who are not received by their husbands, continue to be bound, so that they cannot take other husbands.

To the rest I say… the believing party ought not to seek divorce, unless he is put away… [and] if an unbeliever puts away his wife on account of religion, a brother or sister is, by such rejection, freed from the bond of marriage.” John Calvin, Calvin’s Commentaries, vol. 20, pp 238-241

There is a lot here but two things are clear that will drive the point home that emotional abandonment is never cause for divorce. 1) Calvin deals specifically with a husband or wife that fails in their duties within the marriage. Perhaps with wives it is a disagreeable nature that is a real nuisance to her husband or perhaps she doesn’t support her husband the way she should. Perhaps with husbands we can best sum up what Calvin says by saying they are tyrants and in general jerks. Certainly in both cases the charge of emotional abandonment would hold some merit. Yet the Bible says and Calvin explains that it is by no means cause for divorce. You are, in such cases, still bound to that marriage based not on the merits of your spouse but on your commitment to God when you made this marriage covenant in His name. 2) You are bound to your marriage even when you are unequally yoked to a lost person, whether that case existed prior to or after marriage makes no difference. I would think it reasonable to assume that a lost spouse will fail in almost every way to actually live up to the expectations that God has laid out in His word for husbands and wives. In fact, I would guess that it is true that in most cases there will not even be a reasonable attempt at living up to godly expectation within the marriage from the unbelieving spouse. Guess what? Even then, even when no more perfect of a case could be made for emotional abandonment and a lack of attentiveness to their spouse we are still not allowed to divorce. The exception is if they physically leave the home or banish us from the home. In that case we are no longer bound to the marriage; it is as if they died. If that principal holds true when dealing with a lost spouse, how much more so when both parties are saved? It is sure that your spouse will fail you in this life at some point and fail to be what you have expected or desired and even more so failed to be what God has expected them to be. But you are bound to that marriage and that is not contingent on the other person, that is contingent on the covenant you have made before the Lord and must be adhered to with a ferocious zeal. One last consideration here is that it is clear from all of the books I have read on this and from Paul himself that even if separated from your spouse it is not then cause for divorce, you may have a claim on the separation, depending on who you read here, but I couldn’t find anyone who justified a divorce in this situation. When they have filed for divorce from you, especially concerning an unbelieving spouse, then you are no longer bound to the marriage. Otherwise, you are not free to remarry, end of story.

Conclusion:

As I think we have clearly seen in this study it is never safe or correct to say that divorce is ever a preferable option. In fact, it is faulty to its very core and it sets a dangerous precedent within the church that there are certain loopholes and when you have become dissatisfied within your marriage you may seek those loopholes and escape the promise you have made to God and to your spouse. RC Sproul addresses errors such as this when he says, “[…] in many cases the institutional church has sanctioned divorce on grounds that are in clear opposition to the teaching of Christ. It means that many clergymen and counselors throughout the land are recommending divorce where Christ has prohibited it. It means that not only is the sanctity of marriage corrupted by state and church, but also the authority of Christ is flagrantly disobeyed in both spheres over which He is King. The word for such disobedience is treason.” When you teach your people that divorce is an acceptable and even a preferred option you are committing an act of treason against God and working with the secular government that has sought to destroy the institution of marriage and is finding an ever increasing level of success through such filth being spoken of from the pulpit. It is an act of treason, it is an act of defiance against God, it is a violation of a covenant made before the Lord Himself. When you find that your congregation has a spike in divorces I pray that you will fear the day you stand before the Lord to explain why you told His people divorce was preferred by Him and that will convict you to change your ways immediately.

To add insult to injury people are being told that when a spouse has emotionally checked out of a marriage that you can abandon the marriage and go your merry way. This is just as dangerous as the previous declaration because not only is it wrong, it is leading people to rationalize and actively seek reasons for divorce and then to go on and commit adultery by remarrying. A better exhortation from our pastors would be to get over yourself and honor your marriage vows for the selfless love of God and your spouse even if it is causing you pain in the meantime to do so.

Earlier we saw Dr. Louis Hill speak about the marriage representing the relationship between Christ and His Church. I am reminded here that the Bible tells us if we are faithless, He remains faithful and I would exhort believers to take this same mentality into their marriages. Love your spouse in the face of all difficulties and never ever entertain divorce as a solution to your problems. If you carry with you that very Biblical view then it is sure that you will by default work on issues that cause others to fail and more than likely learn to ignore issues that should have never caused dissention in the first place. Divorce is Biblically given as an option in the case of adultery and when an unbelieving spouse divorces a believer; but, even then, it is only as an option and you can dedicate yourself to the marriage in spite of the great sin that has been committed against you which Biblically is the actual preferred choice of God.

Remember pastors, remember people of God, that God hates divorce and He never instituted marriage to be ended by anything other than death itself. If that is His expectation then so too must it be ours if we are to glorify Him in our marriages and in our lives. Any advice you give or receive to the contrary I am confident in saying is faulty advice and should be discarded immediately. May your marriages be fruitful, lengthy, healthy, beautiful pictures of Christ and His Church until the day the Lord sees fit to call you home. Amen.

Longing for a Spouse with a Focus on God

Loneliness is perhaps on of the most deplorable human emotions. Loneliness itself is one of the factors that led God to give a spouse to Adam in the first place. “[…] God said, ‘it is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’” (Gen. 2:18) So even in our design there is a healthy element within us that can and naturally does long for companionship. As a result many exist in this world emotionally longing for that deep satisfactory bond that can only be found in a good biblical marriage. Certainly, for most, the dream of marriage is inbred into our very core; especially in women who have dreamed about the details of their wedding day and their knight in shining armor since they were young girls. But though this desire can be an appropriately good thing, it is well advised to consider all of our longings through the prism of Scripture and to be able to balance the difference between a healthy longing for a spouse and a sinful preoccupation with that same desire.

To bolster the point that mankind is built to desire marriage: there was a study done a few years back that showed that out of those polled 86.3% of all people that had never been married desired to be so one day (Dr. Norval Glenn, “With This Ring… A National Survey on Marriage in America,” http://www.fatherhood.org/Document.Doc?id=137) Now there were some odd findings in the study such as 19.4% who claim no religion at all but only 8.3% don’t consider themselves religious. But that doesn’t detract from the fact that a vast majority of single people, men and women, are looking forward to marriage one day. A large chunk of those polled do not have the privilege of a godly perspective; this paper is to help those that do.

I have personally known people that looked for a spouse for years, well into middle age, and then in a panic jumped on the first person that would say yes and wound up in horrible marriages that undoubtedly failed to live up to either partner’s expectations. For women specifically, I have seen a tendency that once they start creeping towards their mid twenties they take on some warped view that they are old maids and how are they ever going to get married now? But with this, as with all things, the Bible leads the way; God is sovereign in providing us with a spouse as He is in all other things and to have a healthy view of this we must break away from self-imposed logic and societal expectations and see what God has left us in His word.

To Become Married or Remain Single?

Marriage is a good thing given to us by God and is everywhere commended as such in the Scriptures. But it is not the only option presented to us by the word of God, a fact too many aren’t even willing to consider. We can’t imagine in the midst of our desires and dreaming that our God could have other plans for us then the ones we have for ourselves. This is not a condemnation of marriage, but it is important for the single person with desires for marriage to at least consider the proposition that perhaps God has other plans for you. I wish to say that it is not the common experience that you will never be given a spouse by the Lord; but without considering that you are one of those blessed in another area other than marriage, you may never know.

The passage that will be the focus of our study is 1 Cor. 7:32-35. If you should so decide to study deeper into this passage you will find that vs. 33, 34 have some translational debate over the word divide or it is also translated there is a difference. But I see no reason to distract us with that consideration now as the heart of the passage is hardly affected either way, in my opinion, and after having read the opinions of a number of others in regards to this debate; but, just the same, if you find the two verses holding slightly different emphasis or wording this is the primary cause of the issue.

Next, there is an important reason why Paul is giving this direction. “The recurrence of the formula ‘now concerning…’ at 8:1, 12:1, 16:1 indicates that he is dealing in turn with the points they (the church in Corinth) had raised… The present chapter contains Paul’s counsel concerning various queries in connection with marriage and the home [such as]… ought a Christian to marry?” (Dr. Philip E. Hughes, The Biblical Expositor, I Corinthians, vol. 3, pg. 269) This is why we too are coming here. A young church struggling against the influence of the world they were a part of, yet who desired to be pious, asked these questions of the Apostle in order to know what was best for them in their lives and in service of God. Certainly the modern church can say they face the same uncertainties and assaults while living in the world and should be asking the same questions which are now clearly answered for us in the word of God.

1 Cor. 7:32-35, “I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.”

¨ He returns to the advice which he had spoken of (vs. 25) but had not yet fully explained, and in the outset he pronounces… a commendation upon celibacy, and then afterwards allows everyone the liberty of choosing what he may consider to suit him best. It is not, however, without good reason that he returns so frequently to proclaim the advantages of celibacy, for he saw that the burdens of matrimony were far from light. The man who can exempt himself from them, ought not to refuse such a benefit and it is of advantage for those who resolve to marry, to be forewarned of those inconveniences, that they may not afterwards, on meeting with them unexpectedly, give way to despondency… The meaning is this: “Marriage brings along with it hindrances, from which I should wish you to be free and exempt…” Mark the kind of exemption from anxieties that he desires on behalf of Christians – that they may devote to the Lord all their thoughts and aims. This, he says, belongs to celibacy; and therefore he desires all to enjoy this liberty… Observe the Apostle’s moderation. Though he knew the vexations, troubles, and difficulties of the married life, and, on the other hand, the advantages of celibacy, yet he does not venture to prescribe… [rather,] taking into view their ability, he here declares in express terms, that he points out, indeed, what is most advantageous, but does not wish to impose a necessity on any one. And here you have two things worthy of observation. The first is, for what purpose celibacy is to be desired – not on its own account… but that we may cleave to God without distraction – that being the one thing that a Christian man ought exclusively to look to during his whole life. The second thing is, that no snare must be put upon men’s consciences, so as to keep back any one from marriage, but that every one must have liberty allowed him. (John Calvin, Commentary on 1 Corinthians)

¨ Take heed that neither lust nor rashness thrust you into a married condition before you see reasons to invite you to it as may assure you of the call and approval of God. For… it is God whom you must serve in your married state, and therefore it is proper that you take His counsel before you rush upon it, for He knows best what belongs to His service… If the consent of parents is necessary, much more is the consent of God… Every man is bound to choose that condition in which he may serve God with the best advantages and which tends most to his spiritual welfare and increase in holiness… By these conditions you may know what persons have a call from God to marry and who have not His call or approval. First, if there is a peremptory will or command of parents to children that are under their authority, and no greater matter on the contrary to hinder it, the command of parents signifies the command of God… Second, they are called to marry who have not the gift of continence and cannot by the use of lawful means attain it and have no impediment that makes it unlawful to them to marry (1 Cor. 7:9)… Third, another cause that warrants marriage is when upon a wise casting up of all accounts it is apparently most probable that in a married state one may be most serviceable to God and the public good, that there will be in it greater helps and fewer hindrances to the great ends of our lives: the glorifying of God and the saving of ourselves and others…. Here it must be carefully observed, first, that the two first reasons for marriages, sexual desire and the will of the parents, or any such like, have their strength but in subordination to the third, the final cause or interest of God and our salvation. This last reason… is of itself sufficient without any of the others, but none of the others are sufficient without this. If it is clear that in a married state you have better advantages for the service of God and doing good to others and saving your own souls than you can have in a single state of life, then it is undoubtedly your duty to marry; for our obligation to seek our ultimate end is the most constant, indispensable obligation. (Richard Baxter, “The Godly Home,” pp. 19-22)

¨ […] the reason why I have advised… a single rather than a married life, for those to whom God hath given the gift of continency, is, that those who are Christians might live as free from such cares as divide and distract men’s and women’s minds…, the single person that hath a spiritual heart, disposed to pious performances, being free from other distractions and cares, caused by worldly occasions, will spend all his thoughts about his duty toward God, and how to please Him… [H]usbands and wives are under some obligations to please each other by [various amusements], which, though not in themselves sinful, yet take up time, which those free from such relations may spend more religiously. (Matthew Poole, Commentary on 1 Corinthians)

Marriage is a beautiful thing given to mankind, for a variety of reasons, as a gift from the Lord; let’s not allow that fact to go unnoticed here. But let us also see that, if possible for the individual, being single is not only a gift from the Lord as well but a preferable one. Not many are able to forge this life alone, not many are able to free themselves from the burden of sexual desire, not many feel equipped to handle the burdens of this life by themselves; but, for those that can it is a blessed gift you have been given. How many of you that are struggling with the idea of marriage and the overwhelming desire you may be experiencing in your life towards that end have stopped to consider that the Lord may have given you this gift of single living that you may live with uninterrupted focus on Him? You must consider it, for it may indeed be your calling! That Puritan giant Richard Baxter gave some very good terms with which to test that against. And if you test this against your own life and find that you are able to confirm a calling to a single life then it is not a curse but a blessing as is clearly evidenced here by the Apostle Paul.

Now, as I have said, it is not the common gift or expectation that most men and women will be able to productively live outside of the confines of marriage. So, even if, upon testing the will of the Lord and spending some time in prayer over the matter, you are still convinced that your calling is in marriage, let not your heart be troubled by your current predicament. For right now, at this moment, the Lord is affording you the time to prepare yourself for the life to come. He is blessing you with a moment of your life wherein your primary focus is Him and you are not encumbered by other concerns. Be thankful for what He has given you now and wait patiently on what He will provide for you down the road. Don’t consume yourself with the details of how you will ever manage to meet a spouse and get married when you see no hope of such a reality right now. For we serve a sovereign Lord and He is not just in control of all other things with the exception of a spouse for you; but indeed, if He has determined you should be married, He has already selected the perfect mate for you and will in His time provide the means for you two to be together. Paul tells us in Romans 8:25 that “if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.” Be patient, trust in the Lord in this matter as with all others and take advantage of the time He has graciously given to you now. Simon Kistemaker, in his commentary on these verses, says that one of the focuses of the entire passage is that whether married or single we “must leave [our] worries with the Lord.” And I pray that it be so!

You may be called to be married or you may be called to be single; but, in whatever your calling, make sure your focus is on God and His glory. Trust in Him to show you the direction He has chosen for your life and that He will provide the means to make that direction happen. Wait patiently on the Lord; He knows what is best for you and what the best time to reveal it in your life undoubtedly is. You can obsess over the details and kick against the goads, you can force your will into the matter tired of waiting for a result; but be careful in such an instance that you don’t end up in the belly of a great fish being disciplined by the Lord. Consider this though, should you wait and submit yourselves to the Lord and His will alone, I can promise with no reservation that your life will blessed beyond expectation and it will all have been worth it in the end. If you are struggling here, I pray your burdens be lightened and your faith invigorated that you may know that the tunnel of despair always leads to bright sunshine when it is the Lord that directs your path. Amen.

Beauty and the Christian Woman

As many of you are aware, today was the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. I take no interest in this personally and don't find a lot of worth in the whole affair. I told my wife today that when I compare the struggle with getting a job and keeping a roof over our heads or even getting a running car that it becomes a little disconcerting that their flower budget could've sustained my entire family very comfortably for the next 15 or 16 years (they reportedly spent $800,000 on flowers alone). And this is the way most men probably looked on the whole affair. At first appearance and thought it is a little foreign to our way of thinking as to why our wives have eagerly anticipated watching the wedding of people they have never met and more than likely never will. People that are impotent monarchs from a country that we don't even belong to. While this easily stands to show some of the differences that exist between men and women it does not show anything we were not already aware of. We are created with different personalities and characteristics and we tend to get excited over very different things.

But, what it does show is a key aspect to many, if not all, of our wives. The reason they were excited to see the wedding is because it is the embodiment of a romantic dream they have carried since they were little girls planning their grand weddings to their own Prince Charming in their minds and in their hearts. It is an element that they never fully let go of. Romance, as a display of love, is alive and well in the depth of their hearts and the fairy-tale wedding they witnessed today is a grand example of that romance realized. Most of them were never privileged enough to have even a small example of the wedding they watched on their TVs today. Yet, they are not covetous of Mrs. Middleton and the beautiful wedding she just had; no, they are as happy for her as if they were close personal friends... for she got to see her childhood dreams realized without compromise.

They watched with admiration and excitement the beauty of the whole affair. They appreciate the details, the elegance of the flowing wedding gown, the pomp and circumstance of it all, and they love every minute of it. Herein lies the breathtaking sincerity of our wives. They are able to view the world through the beauty they find in it in a way that most of us men never really do. Even when we get a semblance of it we never attain to the level that our wives, with their gentle hearts, have appreciated throughout their lives. For those that are growing in grace this is even more so. For the Lord enables a gentle spirit in them that brings a softness to this world which makes it a little more bearable for the rest of us.

I may look upon the majestic peaks of the Rocky Mountains and feel my soul stir with passion; I may look upon the ocean and feel the soothing touch of its calming waves; but, as hard as I try, I am never able to find the beauty that my wife can in watching a stranger's wedding, or able see a relatively unattractive person and comment with all sincerity that they are beautiful based only on their pleasant personality; I may never see a candlelit dinner as the emotionally satisfying event my wife does, and I guess that is fine, ultimately, because I am a man and should not behave too much like a woman. But, to the Christian man that is striving to love his wife as the Lord has loved the Church (Eph. 5:25), we must admit that our fondest memories with our wives will always be the intimate time we have spent with them on walks, or over dinner, or in talks we wouldn't dare to have with anyone else on this earth; thus, through their vision of beauty, we learn to at least have a small measure of nostalgic softness where we too are romantics.

So today, while they are enthralled over the grand wedding they have seen on TV, remember it is through this prism of beauty, with which they see the whole world, that they relish the occasion. If we are only able to grasp a small measure of what they so naturally possess then let it be that we marvel at the works of our Lord and find beauty and majesty in all of His creation; let it be that we are able to appreciate others and serve them well; let it be that we are able to find overwhelming beauty in the precious brides we have been given so that we may with all sincerity and belief look them in the eye and say, "thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair." (So. 1:15) We too may appreciate the beauty of this world if we only look upon our wives and see what the Lord has given to us to cherish and to behold until the day that we die.

A Study On Biblical Marriage

This is a study that my dad, Randy Wyatt, did and has shared with me and others and I wanted to pass it on as well. It is worth your while to read it and more importantly to digest it. It addresses issues that have fallen to the wayside far too often in Christian life today. My hope is that the Lord will use this to strengthen your marriage and that you will pass it on to others as well.

Marriage

Eph. 5:22 - 23

I have chosen to write on the subject of marriage because there is so much out there on the subject, but so little from a purely biblical perspective. I haven’t heard it preached from a pulpit in fifteen or twenty years. No one wants to suffer the outrage of telling the truth. The world, in my opinion, has been able to influence the best intentioned authors because we have the perception that if you tell the truth and someone is offended you’re wrong, or harsh, or rude. I have been married 35 years, not all of it fun and games. Every marriage has tough times. You’re taking two individuals, two personalities, two old sin natures, and two (hopefully) new men and molding a single unit. We read the books, got counseling, and went to seminars. I felt no closer to the truth than when I started. My leadership and opinions were improving by natural maturation, but I still had no answers. It was not even that what any of them said was wrong, I just could not convince myself it was biblical, and if not biblical one opinion is as good as another. In fact, some of the suggestions placed new unattainable expectations on one spouse or the other which increased the frustration and sense of failure. God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone, I will make a help meet for him.” Gen. 2:18 Good in the verse means delightful and we will see in Eph. 5 love means that which we derive our joy from. Does your marriage lack that? Mine can, not as often, but we are still human.

This study, I hope as much as possible, deals with what the text says. My comments may at times address what I see as common misconceptions and I will try to make them obvious to the reader. I will give you key Greek definitions of words to help bring out what the verse is saying. This study starts and ends with a command to the wife. The entire center or body of the text is addressed to the husband. My hope is that God bless your lives as He has mine through this bible study.

Eph. 5:23

“Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands.”

This is a command to the wives, our mates for life. In Gen. 2:18 Help meet means, our correspondent opposite, our helper, the one who fills our gaps, our spaces, and our glaring insufficiency’s. This is what she was created to be, my personal favorite definition for help meet is corresponding opposite. Envision two gears going opposite directions, when new they don’t fit well together, they grind and ware on each other, but over time they wear, into each other. The movement over time and use get smoother and what they are moving slides along without a hitch, that’s the picture here. Here is something else to ponder, you never put a new gear with an old gear, if one breaks or wares out you replace both. You will never get a smooth movement out of two gears so radically different. The new one will eventually break the old one. What also must be noted is neither gear can do the job on its own, it requires full cooperation of the other gear. In Ephesians 5:23, the command is for the wives to submit to their own husbands, no one else, no other husband, nor a really nice man that understands… your own husband. The text here does not say if he’s good (though he should be) submit. It just says submit. Submit means: to voluntarily place yourself under another authority, used in 1 Pet. 2:18 servants to masters, Heb. 12:19 Christians to God the Father. This also means to arrange oneself under another’s authority. So Christ here is commanding the wife to voluntarily arrange her actions, thoughts, attitudes, desires, etc., under her own in particular husband’s authority, find out what he needs done and do it. Remember here you as the wife are completing him, filling his gaps, meaning you are studying him to find out how you can best do that. That takes faith on her part… that is no easy task! Would you like to be under someone like you all the time? But, just like as in every other aspect of life someone is in charge, and someone must follow.

"As unto the Lord”

In the same manner that she would the Lord Himself. Now she must submit to her husband though he is nowhere near the leader or the character of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, in the same way she does Jesus Christ, or as if it were Him before her and not her husband. This obedience is not based on how well the husband is leading, how sound his judgment, how kind or reasonable his commands, but only on his position. He may not even be saved but this does not change a thing. 1 Pet. 3:1 “Likewise ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives.” Obedience on the part of the wife does not place her in a less honorable or subservient position, but illuminates the high value she places on her obedience to Christ and the role in life He has given her. We will see later the beautiful picture and testimony both roles in the marriage display when both husband and wife understand and obey Christ.

Vs. 23

“For the husband is the head of the wife.”

Now Christ explains the unique position of the home. Both husband and wife must understand where their role came from and who they answer to. So here it is defined, the husband is the head, it is not co-leadership, nor is he allowed to abdicate his position because he does not like his role, or because she is better at it. He is the head, when he stands before Christ on the Day of Judgment no excuse for not doing what he was commanded to do will be accepted. He will be held accountable for his obedience to his call as head of his home. This is between a particular a couple… no one else. Not parents, in- laws, pastors, elders, friends, or lawyers. All may, can, and will give advice but Christ will hold the husband responsible for the decision and condition of the home, he is the head. Literally, head means: “one in charge”, just as the head controls the rest of the body. Head stands for: authority, nothing is done without the heads permission. Again, Christ has not yet spoken to His intentions, tone, character, ability, only his position. His authority is limited to his wife, not all wives, or any woman, but his wife only.

“Even as Christ”

This means just like, in the same manner as, in the same way as. Meaning there is no difference, just like Christ is the head, leadership, authority, over the church, the husband is the head of the wife and the home (as we in 1 Tim. 3:4, 5, 12 and Tit. 1:6). Christ has a unique private personal relationship with each church and each believer and they respond to Him alone. So also in the home there is a unique bond between husband and wife, that at best is a dull reflection of Christ’s relationship to His church. Christ does not respond to the demands of a church that step outside of the bounds of His word, nor should the husband a wife that steps out from under his authority. The church responds to Christ and the wife should respond to her husband. Just as the church meets and functions to glorify Christ, so in the home the wife should be seeking Godly ways to support and glorify her husband. Why should she be doing this?

“He is the Savior”

Christ is the deliverer, the one on whom the burden of survival and salvation fell. Christ saved the church, the body, both visible and invisible, from the beginning of time until the last soul is brought into the kingdom. The church finds life in Him, and survives because of Him. In the same way the burden of the health and survival of the marriage falls squarely on the shoulders of the husband. He is the head, his character, leadership, and Godly life, (hopefully), will be the anchor of the home. She is still responsible to obey Christ and to have a personal relationship with Him, and the husband can only here create an atmosphere that would encourage that relationship. It is impossible to have a Godly marriage if either spouse rejects their God ordained, God decreed roles. Personal commitment to Christ is essential to understanding each person’s role. The tone and commitment must start with the head, the leadership in the home. But, if either is not serving Christ the other is still commanded to fulfill their role, as explained in (I Cor. 7:12 – 14).

Vs. 24

“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be, to their own husbands in everything.”

Now there is no misunderstanding as to the reach of the authority of the husband, or the submission of the wife. The word “therefore”, refers you back to something previously said which would be Christ’s authority over the church in vs. 23. Christ’s lordship over the church is undeniable. Matt. 28:18 “…and Jesus came and spoke, “All powers is given unto me in heaven and on earth.” So, just as the church is completely submissive to Christ, let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. This is not a popular stand for either to take. She is to completely submit to someone she knows will fail her over and over again, because he is human, given to sin and failure. Even led by the Spirit there is a growth curve that must be experienced and mistakes will happen no matter the maturity level of the husband. She is not only told to submit to him, but in everything. There is to be no area of her life that he is not involved in. Her faith must first be in Christ, ultimately in Christ. She is to picture the church for better or for worse, in good times, and bad, ever working towards the goal of glorifying Christ, honoring his sacrifice, following His leadership, asking His forgiveness, and seeking His approval. So it is to be in the home also, and we have not as yet seen what is truly expected of the husband, because the mandate for the wife is not based on how well he does his job, but who he represents. There is no checklist for either spouse. We are not grading our mate and determining their submission or leadership based on a pass/fail ratio contained in some checklist. Each is responsible to God alone to fulfill their role and honor Him, regardless of the failures of the other. But, just as the gates of hell shall not prevail against the church (Matt. 16:18), neither will it destroy the marriage.

Eph. 5:25

“Husbands Love”

Now we are into the main body of the study, which concentrates on the husband and his role in the marriage. You could fill whole libraries with the books written on this very subject, but we will address it from scripture only. The word “love”, is in the present tense, imperative mood, meaning this is a command, and he needs to comply right now. He is commanded to love; the Greek here is not agape as is commonly quoted, but its root “agapaho”, which includes more than is commonly explained. Remember earlier I quoted Gen. 2:18, “It is not good (or delightful) for man to be alone.” Agapaho means to love in a social or moral sense. It is a conscience act of the will to find (one’s joy) in the object loved. This would carry, of course, the sense of responsibility to do what it best for her, to sacrifice for her and so forth, which is in the definition of agape. How many of you have been told you are commanded by God to enjoy your wife? Your marriage is not to be a battlefield, a constant source of frustration, but a place of peace and contentment derived from the supreme value the husband places on his wife, which guides his actions, opinions, motives, etc.

“Your wives”

He is not commanded to love money, possessions, other women, church activities, work, or anything else, but to derive his joy in this life in his corresponding opposite… his wife. Paul writes on this in 1 Cor. 7:32 – 35, it is natural and it is of God to be concerning yourselves, with the comfort and well being of one another in marriage.

“Even as”

Again we are told to mirror or mimic the actions of Christ.

“Christ loved the church”

Christ paid the ultimate price for the church, but this phrase is emphasizing the joy He receives from the church. Christ is our Lord, our Mediator, our Sacrifice, our Redeemer, but this word speaks of the joy of a committed relationship. Christ is committed to His relationship with us. We are obeying, he is leading, and we enjoy each others company, and find contentment, peace, and joy in one another. That is to be true of every Christian marriage, because both spouses are committed to Christ. Both are committed to doing what is right, but it doesn’t happen overnight, or without some testing. Christ is not all fluff and meekness either. One need only to read his rebuke to 5 of the 7 churches in Revelation chapters 2 and 3, to see there is a penalty to be paid for disobedience. There will be times when, as a leader it is necessary to stand firm on a decision, not to flex his assumed power, but for the good of your wife and home.

“Gave Himself for it”

“Gave” is to commit, deliver, entrust, yield, and surrender. Jesus is not fair weather friend; He is fully engaged, fully committed in every believer’s life, no matter what our commitment may be to Him. He does not gauge His loyalty on ours, equaling our commitment, or based his response on ours. We are told clearly in Rom. 5:8, “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” As a husband our commitment has to be the same, not reactive, but committed. Just as the church has full assurance Christ will never leave it, Matt. 28:20, “Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” Husbands are to have no excuse for quitting. They are the image of Christ in the home, and must be fully engaged, fully committed. We cannot be fully committed if we reserve the right in our own minds to flee if times become unbearable. At this point, I think it is important to understand what Christ defines “love” as, so I have added a little study on 1 Cor. 13:1 – 7. If we are to love as Christ loves we should use His definition. The world has sought to blur the clear understanding of Christ’s love, but until they can successfully get rid of the bible we can always find the truth. 1 Cor. 13:1 – 3, without love, actions have no value.

Vs. 1

“Though I speak”

This is a great orator, to preach, to communicate one person to another.

“Tongues of men”

To communicate in a known language where there is no confusion to the meaning being expressed.

“And of Angels”

This is a message directly from God, a prophet, a preacher, or a fiery sermon that gets everyone’s attention.

“And have not charity”

Benevolence, to set a supreme value upon the object of the love, and doing what is best for them. This is speaking to motive, what is the motive for this fiery speech, this great oratory proclamation? If it is not a deep sense of love it is of no benefit at all.

“I am become as”

I am no more useful than, or I have become similar to.

“Sounding brass”

An instrument made of hollowed out brass used to make loud noise.

“Tinkling symbol”

Another instrument used to make noise. The point is we can say whatever we want, as forcefully or as eloquently as possible, but without proper motives, without a true desire for the betterment of the person or persons, our efforts are directed towards, it is just noise, it is of no useful purpose.

Vs. 2

“And though”

Even if, let’s imagine, or hypothetically speaking,

“I have the gift of prophecy”

Accurately predict the future. Prophets were rated on very stiff criteria in Old Testament times. They either were always accurate or they were a fraud.

“Understand”

To be sure of, to perceive, to have a deep rational, educated knowledge of things in general.

“All mysteries”

There is nothing this individual does not know. He would be Godlike in his knowledge, and understanding of signs and wonders.

“All faith”

Faith is a conviction to the truth and a reliance on what is believed. To be completely convinced, totally reliant on God, no gaps, Christ like.

“I could remove mountains”

Your faith could alter the landscape, literally.

“And have not charity I am nothing”

There is no value in an individual who is self serving. If our motive is our own personal interest our gifts are of no value, Paul is saying gifts are wonderful in the hands of an individual who understands and practices true love.

Vs. 3

“Though I bestow”

To supply, nourish, to be a major contributing factor.

“All my goods”

Everything he possesses, anything of value to him that he owns

“To feed the poor”

This is those incapable,(not unwilling), of supplying their own basic needs. This would be considered a worthy cause, a worthy endeavor to be stripped of all worldly possessions and give everything to those unable to provide for their own basic needs.

“And though I give my body to be burned”

That would be the ultimate sacrifice, your own body in a painful horrific death. This was a common sacrifice in the age Paul is talking. The Romans enjoyed inflicting maximum pain and suffering in their executions.

“And have not charity it profits me nothing”

It’s not that some good may come from what you have done, but that no one receives any good from what you have done. Love carries with it an element of decision making. You make a choice to highly regard, sacrificially protect, selflessly desire another’s good. It is an inward attitude that produces certain outward actions, not the other way around. Paul will now define the signs of real committed true love.

Vs. 4

“Charity”

This is a benevolent, doting love. It is a sacrificial love, doing what is best for the object loved. Not a love based on duty, but duty is involved. Ultimately love is based on an intense desire to elevate and protect, to show value in the object loved. I must emphasis here that as we have seen previously, it is a doting love. This love is not looking at its obligations or responsibilities, but only what it truly believes is in the best interest of the object loved.

“Suffers long”

This is to be long spirited, to endure patiently, committed to not giving up. That is to exercise understanding and patience towards a person, not angry, not wanting punishment or revenge. Not becoming despondent where you quit caring altogether. This is not perseverance where you just refuse to be beaten so you clench your teeth and just endure until it is over. No, this takes a conscience act of your will, to acknowledge the wrong, but not stop caring about what happens to the one who wronged you. Love is always in active pursuit of another’s good. So in longsuffering you willingly refuse to respond out of emotions and exercise sound judgment in the face of a wrong done to you.

“And is kind”

This is to show oneself useful, gracious, goodness in manners and morals.

Would this not be a wonderful reputation to have? That you are useful, gracious, that there is a moral and ethical goodness about you? Love is useful, it is not an enabler of sin, but graciously helps those in trouble. There is a moral rectitude and infectious goodness to real love.

“Charity envieth not”

Envying is to have a warm feeling of jealousy, to be moved with desire to have what is not yours. We cannot sincerely love another person and inwardly despise them for having what we wish we had. You either love them or envy them, but never both.

“Charity values not itself”

This is to boast, brag, to exalt one’s self to others, to have an elevated opinion of your own worth due to your station in life or your abilities. This goes beyond confidence; this is idolatry where you are worshipping yourself. We must always remember that promotion is of the Lord. Psalms 75:5-7, “Lift not up your horn on high, speak not with a stiff neck. For promotion comes neither from the east or from the west, nor from the south. But God is the judge; he putteth down one and setteth up another.” What we are or what we have is strictly up to God and His pleasure for us. To brag or boast about what is given to us, or done for us, does not honor God or those around us.

“Is not puffed up”

To be haughty, proud, to believe you are better than another and show it in words and actions. Love’s central focus is not itself; this love is drive with a desire and concern to promote another. Boasting and haughtiness show a lack of love because all of their attention is on themselves only.

Vs. 5

“Does not behave itself unseemingly”

We are not to embarrass others by our words and our actions. Our dress, speech, and actions all fall into this category. People cannot be relaxed or comfortable in an unseemingly persons presence, nor have their loved one around this person because of their overall conduct.

“Seeks not her own”

Selfish, self centered; only interested in yourself. It is self-worship, self-gratification. Love does not demand space; it is always looking to the needs of others. Selfishness keeps you from giving every endeavor your all, because you are only looking out for your own self interest.

“Is not easily provoked”

Love is not easily angered because as James 1:20 says, “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” You can articulate that for yourself, because for me to expound on it would be to add my opinion which I am trying to avoid. Let’s just say, this is impatience with one another, not righteous indignation, but annoyance at a perceived inconvenience. You quickly retaliate and lack self control.

“Thinketh”

To take a mental inventory, draw a conclusion, to suppose. I broke this off by its self because it is, key to understanding the rest of the phrase. This is a deliberate act; you judge the situation and draw a conclusion.

“No evil”

Evil is intrinsically worthless, depraved, injurious, and harmful. Can you see the picture being drawn here? It is not love to meditate on or draw a conclusion of an injurious or depraved nature of another human being. God does not say that if they have offended you, legitimately hurt you its ok… NO! If you dwell on and conclude someone else is worthless, or you harbor injurious or harmful thought towards another you do not love, there is no excuse.

Vs. 6

“Rejoiceth”

This is joyful, happy, and glad.

“Not in iniquity”

Iniquity is: injustice, unrighteousness. We are to find no pleasure in unrighteousness, whether it is ours or another’s. If something bad happens to someone we have had issues with, we should find no satisfaction in their misfortune.

“But rejoiceth”

So on the contrary, love finds its happiness, its joy…

“In the truth”

It is an unveiled reality lying at the basis of and agreeing with what it appears to be. Love finds happiness where confusion and falsehood stop. When I hear people say, “I can’t tell them the truth it would destroy them”, I wonder what they think the lie is doing? Love promotes righteousness, honesty, integrity; it finds its joy in the unveiled reality clearly before them. If we focus on what we know to be true, and not on what we perceive to be wrong, we are able to love without barriers, stipulations or expectations.

Vs. 7

“Bareth”

When we bare something we cover it with silence, we patiently endure. No retaliation, no demand for justice for the wrong done to us. No fanfare, no acclaim, no “look at me and what I am enduring”.

“All things”

This is an inclusive everything, this leaves nothing out. You don’t reach a point where you say enough is enough. Baring all things is not you watching someone else’s suffering and desiring to relieve their pain, but what is done to you intentionally or not, knowingly or not, and you cover it with silence.

“Believeth”

To trust someone, to give someone the benefit of the doubt, until circumstances prove otherwise, we believe, remember “love thinketh no evil”, vs. 5.

“All things”

Again, everything is encompassed here. Not I trusted them before and they lied to me, or failed me, so never again. This says again, and again, you must go on believing. These are just matter of fact statements. Love does not retaliate, but covers with silence and trust without giving up, and believes without giving up.

“Hopeth”

This is to have a positive expectation, to confidently look forward to something.

So while we are not retaliating but trusting in a positive outcome, because you have had the audacity to trust in someone, though in the past that may have turned out bad. We never give up on anyone if we love as we should.

“Endureth”

We are to remind ourselves quietly, to put to memory, to think but not speak. This is not blind faith or becoming someone’s kicking bag. This is, loving someone (if you take it from vs. 6). The loving person finds no pleasure in sin, but loves the truth, doesn’t retaliate when a wrong is done to them, nor seek vengeance, but believes in the individual, trusts that they will receive future blessings, and keeps their thoughts to themselves. Is it so hard to believe God would be working in another’s life in the same direct and demanding manner that He is working in yours?

So now that we have a clear understanding of what love really is let’s go back to Eph. 5 and continue our study. If possible get as familiar with love’s definitions as they are related to the rest of the study. Christ is the perfect reflection, the very definition of love, and the husband is to be the reflection of Christ.

Eph. 5:26-27

Christ and His Church

We have learned that the wife is commanded to voluntarily place herself under the authority of her husband, and fully submit to him in everything. This authority was given to him by God, because he is the image of Christ, and the wife is the image of the church. Our testimony is greatly affected by how well we perform these roles. Husbands are commanded to love their wives. To take pleasure in them, find their joy in their wives. That mandate took us to 1 Cor. 13:1-7 so we could define what Christ definition of love is. Now we will see Christ’s attitude towards His church. We will see His leadership and love. This is essential in establishing how we lead and love our wives.

This study I hope will void the humanistic ideas on partnership. There is no 50/50 in marriage. Though we serve one another in marriage, we do not obey one another in marriage. There are established roles, for eternal purposes. What each spouse does, in many ways, has nothing to do with the response or agreement of the other. Each is responsible to God, and goes about doing in the marriage, what they believe God requires them to do according to His word. You will see in the verses that follow, Christ does not wait for a positive response from the church to affirm His leadership. He just does what is right and what is best because that is what love does.

Vs. 26

“That He might sanctify”

Set apart or separate, to stand in contrast with, and to venerate. This is in the aorist tense, subjunctive mood, there is no set time this happened, in fact subjunctive mood stresses the action has no definite outcome. The point is Christ is separating His church from the world. We are set apart for His purpose (Isa. 14:27), and His good pleasure (Eph.1:9). Sanctification is an ongoing process.

“And cleanse”

This can be legal or ceremonial; to purge, to expiate. We have been legally declared clean. We have been freed from the guilt of our sin. God has legally removed our sin because of the redemptive work of Christ. We are declared clean though not actually clean. The church is made up of many individuals of different levels of growth and understanding. Christ deals with us both individually and corporately to separate us from the world.

“With the washing of water”

This is defined bath, baptism, used metaphorically of spiritual cleansing. To be washed over and have all the dirt and stain of sin removed.

“By”

By means of, the agent accomplishing the cleansing is,

“The word”

An utterance: or a matter of topic, a spoken work, preaching, a report or account of the all powerful commands of God. That is why in Heb. 10:25 we are told, “Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together”, the church is God’s ordained avenue of declaring His word, and Heb. 4:12, “the word of God is quick and powerful”. We stunt our growth and are out of God’s will to not be a part of a local body. God has chosen the public pronouncement of His word to be the means which His church is cleansed.

How does this apply to marriage? Our marriage should be set apart from every other relationship. No other human relationship should ever take priority over the marriage. Our relationship is legally pure and set apart from sin in the eyes of God, even though we know practically sin is an ever present reality in the marriage. The word of God is to be proclaimed in the home and to be the fundamental stability of the marriage. The husband is to be proclaiming the word and leading a Godly life, thereby combating the sin that seeks to destroy our lives.

Vs. 27

“That He might present”

Christ places His church on display, like a trophy case that the owner can walk by and admire their accomplishment.

“To Himself”

Christ is pleased to admire His handiwork that He has placed on display. This is a picture of Him standing back and admiring his handiwork. This is the definition of love: to derive joy from the object of the love. Christ for all our issues enjoys us even though he knows really how corrupt we are. How can we do any less when we know so little about each other no matter how much we think we know about the other person?

“A glorious”

Admirable splendor: Noble, honorable in the entirety of its works. The true church survives. Matt. 16:18, “and the gates of hell shall not prevail against It.” The true church has the reputation of admirable service, it is a noble and honorable institution established by and strengthened by Christ Himself.

“Church”

These are the called ones, the community of saints, and the local assembly. The church is both visible, made up of true believers now, and invisible, made up of all believers of all times.

“Not having spot”

Not having a stain or the defilement of sin. The church has been paid for by Christ blood. And now His righteousness is imputed to the church, along with the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. As a result of these actions the church learns how to practically remove her sin. Constantly striving, endeavoring to break the chains of sins that ravish her and rob her of her joy in Christ. There will be a day, and this is a fact, when Christ’s church will be literally without the stain and defilement of sin, it will stand before Christ in purity. That my dear friends, is a wonderful truth we can depend on.

“Or wrinkle”

This is a fold, a crease in the face. This carries two thoughts. One is to be unkempt, needing smoothing like a fine linen table cloth that is out of place. The other is lines and wrinkles in the skin due to age and wear. The church presented to Christ is not old and worn out, but fresh and well kempt, vibrant. The true church is not old and outdated because the truth of scripture is as relevant today as when it was first handed down to us.

“Or any such thing”

This includes any other type of disorderly, unbecoming action or appearance. There is no legitimacy to an old worn out church, the church does not need to update her practices, but stand firm on the living word. Christ design and practices do not become, “ old fashioned” They are alive and powerful.

“But”

You could also say: on the contrary, or in contrast to spots and wrinkles.

“That it should be holy”

To be sacred: pure, blameless, consecrated, and separate from evil. Devotion to God and a desire to obey His word is what sets the church apart from the world. 1 John 2:15, “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world, if any man love the world, the love of the father is not in him.” Does this devotion and loyalty exist in your marriage? Are you devoted to each other, out of a desire to serve and enjoy one another? This is the essence of the reflection of Christ in the marriage.

“Without blemish”

To be without the stain of sin: faultless. It is the absence of anything amiss in a sacrifice or anything which would render it unworthy to be offered. The husband is to produce in the marriage a sense of blamelessness, separation from the world. Christ sees His church in purity, perfection, separate and consecrated unto Him. Husbands must see past the spots and wrinkles and be promoting holiness, blamelessness. Husbands must, through their leadership and Godly life, remove the signs of aging and wear in their marriage. They are placing their wives on display for all to admire. This is the true meaning of a “trophy wife”: a lively, Godly, submitted, vibrant woman that adores her husband as the church adores Christ.

Israel was constantly rebuked by God for acting like the nations around her. Our marriages are to mirror Christ and His church, not those of the world around us. The world seeks to destroy and separate which is the opposite of the church. That is why a Godly marriage stands out in such stark contrast to even other Christian marriages. Even within the Christian marriages, there is hatred and bitterness, an unwillingness to forgive and promote the other before their, own personal interest. Christ is not glorified in this and our homes know no peace, no one wins where sin reigns.

Eph. 5:28-33

Loving our wives as ourselves

At this juncture the focus shifts to what is near and dear to us, our own bodies. I have heard it said,” Christ does this because men are selfish,” implying that women are not. It is a bad argument based on a false premise. All mankind is selfish; Eve believed the snake because she believed God was denying her something she should have. Gen. 3:6 gives three reasons why she accepted the devils argument. 1. The tree was good for food. 2. The tree was pleasant to the eye. 3. To be desired to make one wise. Adam chooses Eve over God. The case could be made all sin is rooted in selfishness; but, that is not why a man’s concentration on himself is used here. One reason is if the man did not take care of himself he could not provide for his family, and the wife’s opportunities to provide income were limited, and mostly less than honorable. If he got hurt they were utterly destitute. Also, we are the body of Christ, which will also be explained here. So the wife is an extension of the man, they must work as one. Like a sack race, you either both win or both lose, you cannot do it alone.

Vs. 28

“So ought men”

It is reasonable to expect the man to do this. Here is a shift in focus, from a corporate approach, (the nation or the family), to a very personal approach, the individual.

“To love”

Again this is the root word agapaho, not agape, to find one’s joy in the object loved. This is a conscious act of the will. In verses 26-27 Christ acts out this love. He is not silent; He does not stand by and just watch. He is actively involved in the life of the object of His love, the church.

“Their wives”

Their own in particular, not all wives, just their own. This again drives home the point that the object of his intentions must be his wife. Good leaders draw attention to themselves by their actions, and can become convinced they can help others by their engaging personality. It will always end in failure because they have stepped out of their God given mandate. What is being discussed here is their personal private relationship to their mate, not their work environment, but their home.

“As their own body”

This is the one flesh concept. He is not to see them as two people, but one, even as himself. In the same way he provides for himself, he also provides for her needs. He would not intentionally harm her anymore then he would harm himself. His health is vital to their survival and so is hers, for she is an extension of him.

“He that loveth his wife”

This is a validating factor. If he can find his joy in her, care for her, dote over her, do what is best for her, lead her. That man, who through a conscious act of his will, is constantly striving to improve the quality of the relationship with his helpmeet; his corresponding opposite.

“Loveth himself”

The proof that he cares for his body, is in his relationship to his wife. The happier and more confident he is, the better the relationship. When he loves his wife, the same way as himself, he has reached an awareness of a sacrificial attitude, the pinnacle of Christ-like leadership.

Vs. 29

“For no man”

It would be irrational to conceive of any individual that would intentionally be self destructive. They do exist, but they end up killing themselves or living in a home for the mentally insane. The rational argument is that it would be insane to suggest that a man would hate:

“Ever yet hated”

To detest: to persecute. No man abuses himself, hurts himself, and purposefully makes it impossible to perform his needed functions. In the day this was written to do so insured, an early death. No-one would or could step in and care for you, they had their own responsibilities. If you got hurt your family had to do the best they could while you healed.

“Their own body”

The argument is: what benefit would an individual gain from self destruction? There are sick people who inflict pain and discomfort on themselves. The norm is to take care of yourself the best you can because a healthy body makes life more pleasant.

“But nourisheth”

On the contrary, a man will rear up to maturity, or train his body, ensuring its ability to perform all needed functions.

“Cherisheth”

To brood over: to foster, to place a high value upon something. Our health was and is vital not only to our quality of life, but our very way of existence. In biblical times, you would not have had men so obese they could not get out of bed, that to move them you need a crane or a forklift. Those people would die, because they could not help themselves. Only the very, very rich would have been able to become fat, because they had others to do their work for them. This is not just weight but any self destructive activity that threatened your wellbeing also threatened the wellbeing of your family.

“Even as the Lord the church”

In the same manner as, Christ over His called out ones. Each believer is nourished and cherished, foster and brooded over and brought to maturity. In a similar fashion, husbands are to be this way with their wives. You don’t take time off, you’re not too tired, and you realize the health and survival of your marriage is at stake. You brood over it; you’re constantly improving it, tweaking it, endeavoring to conform it to the image of Christ and the church. Sickness is not ignored, sin is not acceptable; your eyes and ears are always open, your mind is always sharp and focused. Christ is Lord of the church; it goes the way He leads. The husband is Lord of the home; it, too, goes the way he leads. Are your expectations reasonable? Is your resolve steadfast? Are your motives honorable? I can assure you Christ’s are, so ours must be also. No particular person is perfect, no marriage is perfect. To give up on your body would mean constant discomfort and early death. To give up on your marriage would yield the same results. Pressure and difficulty cleanse and strengthen both the body and the marriage; we should work through both with equal vigor!

Vs. 30

“For we are members”

We all have invested interest in, we are all extensions of. All of us that are born again share this commonality with one another. No person or group is more important than the other. There are differences on office, in gender, in age, and in gifts, but all are equal before God. We are forever bound to one another by the sacrifice of Christ.

“Body”

The church, a well established, well preserved organization. The church is safe, secure, protected, we as believers share in the wholesome, well established relationship with Christ; as individuals as well as couples. If your wife is born again, she not only is your helpmeet, but also a fellow heir of the kingdom and a member of Christ’s body with you. Christ takes that relationship very serious and so should we.

“Of His flesh”

Human body, but speaking to the passions, feelings, desires Christ shared with us. He took the form of a human being, with all its frailties and passions. He has empathy with our condition. He loved us so much He became one of us that He could do what we could not, live a perfect life and example in our place. Husbands, do you want to know how to be great leaders? Read the Gospels over and over, learn from Christ example. You see the mind of Christ written on every page, there is no better way to get to know him. Wives, do you want to know how to submit to your husband’s? Get to know the gospels; you see Christ perfect submission to the Father over and over again. He gave you a picture perfect example of complete submission without fear, or mistrust.

“Of His bones”

He was truly a physical man. He had the same physical structure as we do. He knows our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, and our weaknesses. He knows us from the inside out, because He cared for us; He loves us. So men, is this true of your leadership in your marriage? Do you know your wife from the inside out? Do you feel her pain, her joy, her weaknesses and strengths? Are you consumed with knowing who she is? Or, is your concern how well she does her job? Like an employee or a coworker. Christ knows us to our core, and He loves us anyway. How well do we as men really know our wives, and how important is that knowledge to our relationship? They say “knowledge is power,” if it empowers you to as a couple have peace, harmony, joy, Christ-likeness, why would you not put all your energy into that relationship? Here is a,” oneness of being,” unmatched by anything else on earth? In fact beyond the understanding of the world, which becomes our glaring testimony before them, this love and commitment they cannot obtain only observe.

Vs. 31

“For this cause”

The unique relationship we share with our wives and Christ is the cause spoken of here. The fact our wife is our responsibility, and we are to consider her as we would ourselves, and her every care is to be our concern, is the cause. We derive our joy from our relationship with our wife. Our fellowship with Christ is affected by our relationship with our wife. 1 Pet. 3:7, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”

“Shall a man”

Shall is a command, not a suggestion. It is also a fact. The man, i.e. the husband, must, not should.

“Leave”

Abandon; forsake a pervious relationship. His priorities and responsibilities have changed. He is now a decision maker with others lives depending on him, and his commitment to them. Abandon in the sense that his old relationship and commitments are altered to except new ones. Not disregard or sever, for that would mean breaking the 5th Commandment to honor your parents. This means you change your primary responsibilities to now place your wife as you’re first and foremost priority.

“His”

His in particular, the focus is the man here. This command is directed at him.

“Father”

Authority figure: the man getting married goes from being under authority to being the authority. His authority is autonomous, in that no-one can come into his home and rule over his family, as we learned in verses 22-23 of this chapter. This does not mean he now has license to ignore or disrespect his father, but only that his first priority is his own family.

“Mother"

Nurturer: he is stepping away from the object of his love to a new love. His affections have changed; he now must focus on someone other than his mother. This is not to say he no longer shows his love and respect to his mother, just that she is no longer his first concern.

“Shall be joined with”

Glued; adhered to; cleave to. This is a different relationship than either has ever had before. No matter how close the family relationship is this is something new. There is a bound that defies explanation, because it is a product of God’s direct design and intent. No other human relationship can compare to the husband wife relationship.

“His wife”

His in particular: his helpmeet, his corresponding opposite. God has joined these people together and that makes it the ultimate bond. He will never have that same bond with anyone else, no other woman, no man, and no child. He may have other close relationships but none can match a marriage sanctioned by God. His life is forever changed. He makes the decisions now that affects her life also. He is out from under his Father’s authority and his mother’s nurturing. He has a wife who cannot be his mother, and is commanded not to be his authority, and who will depend on his ability to provide for them materially, emotionally, and spiritually.

“And they two shall be one flesh”

Both physically go through the sensual and spiritually bond, in that God recognizes them as one being. Whatever either of them does from that point forward, it affects both of them. They are no longer only concerned with themselves, but every action and every thought affects that God ordained oneness.

Vs. 32

“This is a great mystery”

A secret; something not easily understood.

“But I speak concerning Christ and the church”

Marriage is not a mystery, it is a fact, a command to do certain things, believe certain things, and think in a certain way. It takes effort and self-sacrifice. It is confusing at times, but satisfying and has achievable ends. Christ relationship to the church is beyond understanding. I could write a whole new study on just the unfathomable relationship between Christ and the church. We could spend the rest of our lives trying to fathom the possibility of the invisible church alone. Then if you add the relationship of the true visible church and how every member fits perfectly with every other member, and consider we have little to no knowledge of exactly who these other members even are. Sure you know or think you know, who are the true believers in your church, but do you know the believers in the next church down the road from yours? How about in another country, do you know all those believers? So how exactly do you fit together with all these people you don’t know? In light of this understanding marriage, pales in comparison to Christ and His church. Paul is saying don’t lose sight of the big picture. Don’t be overwhelmed with the do-able.

Vs. 33

“Nevertheless”

Shifting focus here, we have established what the mystery is; but now let’s get back to the reality.

“Let”

Again: a command to immediately start.

“Every one of you in particular”

A command to every individual husband, no-one is left out, no exceptions.

“So love”

Or in the same way Christ has so amply exampled for us. This is a conscious act of each husband’s will, to find one’s joy in the object of their love. There will be other things in your life that bring temporal joy, but nothing is to replace or take priority over your commitment, joy, and responsibility to your wife.

“His wife even as himself”

His helpmeet, his corresponding opposite, in the same painstaking, doting way he does himself. The same care, concern, interest he does for his own personal needs, he now is committed to do for her.

“And the wife”

This portion of scripture ends the way it started, with a command to the wife.

“See that she reverence her husband”

To be in awe: to revere, to respectfully fear. In verse 5:22 she was commanded to submit to her own husband because of his position and who he represents. In this verse she is told to reverence her own husband for what he does. Nowhere does any of this indicate either spouse being perfect and that because they are not your command by God becomes null and void. Actually, the respective commands of submission, love, and respect are regardless of the others personal failures; because you are accountable to God alone at that great and powerful day. We are all flawed human beings. The husband is to love and lead wife no matter how difficult that may be, and she is to submit and reverence him no matter how difficult that is. If their roles are reversed, or modified into some form of a partnership, then it is wrong, perverse, a rejection of their God-given responsibilities. We represent Christ and His church, how you do that determines your relationship to Christ. You can’t be on fire for Christ and reject His commands. You can be on fire for Christ and be a lousy husband or wife. But, in that case, you are working to improve and desire to do God’s will, just at the present time you are bad at it. There are other scriptures that further define the husband/wife roles that we can discuss in the future, but this ends the study on Eph. 5:22-33. May God bless you and give you wisdom in all areas of your life.